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A Dad's Point of View: Being a Teenager Can Be Wonder-Full It?s so easy to complain about our teens. I know I?m guilty of too often dishing out criticisms, admonishments, and lectures. I worry that my boys might be doing drugs, drinking, or some other peer-pressure stupidity. But, they also deserve my support when they do well and my understanding when they slip up.
My 16-year-old, Will, recently bounded into my office, eager to talk. Wisely, I pulled away from the hypnotic lure of my computer, and faced him squarely, ready for whatever followed. Normally, when Will comes to talk to me, I am concerned that he either wants something or is going to confess something that I wish I didn?t have to hear. This time, I listened. And I listened and I listened. I smiled, I nodded, I grunted. But, mostly I listened. He had made a remarkable discovery! What was this remarkable revelation? ?Life is complicated and full of wonder and amazing things. Where did life come from? Why do we sleep? How does our brain work? Why are there different languages and how did they evolve?? He literally rambled off these and other subjects, as if he?d just discovered the wheel!
Will didn?t want me to offer any feedback: he just wanted to share with me his marvelous realizations. I just sat there and patiently let him passionately express these extraordinary questions. After maybe 15 minutes, he didn?t need me anymore and jumped up and left to call his girlfriend and share with her what he?d just voiced.
Later, as we were all getting ready for bed, he came into our bedroom, where my wife was lying down reading, and I had just come in to get ready for bed. He leaped on our chaise lounge, fell off to the side, and scrambled up laughing at his clumsiness. He then proclaimed, ?I love this family,? and proceeded to elaborate for a couple more minutes.
My wife and I actually wondered if Will had taken some drugs, as he seemed so high. But, he hadn?t, and was apparently just being a teenager--a teen enjoying the ?wonder-full-ness? of life.
That is my point. The older we get, the more we forget the wonder of youth, the wonder of being a teenager--discovering new worlds to explore and the new ideas that we feel are just ours. (Okay, let?s hear the Star Trek theme now).
Being a teenager means discovering the world. I think adults too often squash that sense of wonder with the desire to have our kids conform. That was my discovery during the short 18 months that I home-schooled Will, since the lack of conforming public school curriculum and class management allowed Will to learn so much more than he otherwise would have under the structure of public school. It?s why I believe home-schooling is really much better for some kids and, at the time, was the very best thing I could have done for Will.
The job of parents is to introduce our children to the world, to give them exposure to as much as we can, and to allow them to choose their paths. I know that early in my parenting, I had my ideas of what I wanted for my sons that were based on my own particular interests and desires. Fortunately, I got over that selfish instinct and ended up supporting my boys? own interests and dreams. I know too many parents that are single-minded in pushing their kids in the directions these parents think is best while not taking into consideration their kids interests, skills, and desires.
This is dramatically evident in the sports arena, where kids are sometimes literally forced to participate in a sport in which they have no interest. The reason is simply the parents? ego and vicarious desire to live through their kids. It is so wrong. We also see this in the over-the-top push that parents often inflict on their kids to excel at school so that they can get into this or that college that the parents deem best for their child.
I wonder if it ever occurred to those parents that their son or daughter might actually be better off with a year off between high school and college? Or, maybe not even going to college! Not every kid should go to college. Couldn?t college wait a year or two while these high school grads explore life on their own? Maybe they can see a bit more of the world rather than just continue in what can be the cocoon of education and parental (financial) support?
I may have wanted my sons to be great skiers, or get into an Ivy League college, but now I want them to fulfill their own passions and find the same joy in what they do that I?ve been blessed to find in my writing and now, my radio show as well. I urge you to do the same!
Please listen to ?The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad?s Point-of-View? Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce?s column, ?A Dad?s Point-of-View,? is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his ?A Dad?s Point-of-View? page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
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Developing Your Healthy ?Mommy Image? Several months ago I was having a normal weekday morning when the phone rang. I see on the caller ID that it is a friend, so I pick it up: ?Hey girl!? my friend says, ?I'm up your way running errands and wanted to pop in and visit-I'll be there in about 20 minutes, OK?? Panic seized me as I glanced around my living room littered with legos, various doll accessories, and numerous plastic dishes from the perpetual tea party my three year old is constantly hosting, complemented by a light dusting of dog hair and crushed cheerio particles. ?Uh, OK, sounds great, see you in 20 minutes or so!? I was excited about seeing my friend-she is one of my dearest, but she is THAT friend. You know, the one who is blessed with the talent and ability to keep her home spotlessly clean. I could literally show up at her house any time of night or day, be greeted by a faint hit of Pine Sol and consume a four-course meal on her kitchen floor with no risk of any wayward pieces of leaves, dirt, fur, goldfish crackers, or cheerios making their way onto my food.
Before I hit the ?end? button on my phone, I was fumbling with the DVR remote trying to find an episode of that show with the annoying bald-headed four year old that somehow puts my children into a hypnotic trance. ?Everyone on the couch and don't move until the show is over!? I screeched at my three children, aged four, three and one. I began manically throwing toys into bins, tossing jackets into the coat closet, stuffing unopened mail into a drawer, and haphazardly cramming dishes into the dishwasher. Grabbing the least gross-looking rag from the sink, I gave the kitchen counters a once-over and moved on to retrieve the vacuum from the closet so I could at least remove the dog hair and cheerio pieces from the more visible floor areas. ?Back on the couch-STAY ON THE COUCH!? I hollered at my one year old who had hit her ?being occupied by the TV? limit and had begun to wander into the kitchen, staring at me, transfixed by my madness and the cacophony of noise that accompanies manic housecleaning.
By this time sweat was beginning to bead on my upper lip and forehead-I was really getting an aerobic workout from my frantic cleaning (maybe this could be an idea for a workout video). Unwinding the cord from my vacuum, I suddenly realized that I was doing the exact opposite of what I counsel women to do. Here I was yelling at my children, plopping them in front of the TV and stressing myself completely out. For what? So I can appear to have a spotlessly clean home like she has? The thing is that she knows me very well; she knows that housekeeping is not one of my gifts-I don't have a gross home by any means-but it is generally cluttered and could almost always use a once-over with a vacuum. Does she really care that I don't keep my home as clean as hers? No, she doesn't. She knows she is gifted in that area, and though she has very high standards, she doesn't apply those standards to everyone. She does not expect me to live up to her level of cleanliness. Knowing this, why was I behaving this way? The simple fact is we all suffer from ?mommy image? issues.
Just the same as we open a magazine to see a model or celebrity airbrushed beyond any human reality and somehow believe that someone naturally looks that way and that we should be capable of achieving the same, we believe this mythical mommy exists. We have in our minds this perfect mommy image-the mom who runs marathons, has a perfectly maintained home, her children are perfectly dressed, she never is out in public without makeup, would not be caught dead in jogging pants, scrapbooks every family event, is the room mom, prepares homemade organic meals every night, has perfect hair, volunteers for various charities, etc. Truthfully, this would only exist in someone who does not sleep. Or is famous and has a team of nannies, nutritionists, publicists, personal assistants and personal trainers on hand 24 hours a day. There is no way we can do it all and stay sane and well-rested. However, we believe this is attainable, try so hard to live up to this image, and beat ourselves up because we can?t live up to this impossible ideal. We exhaust ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and financially trying to appear to be the perfect mother.
The solution is for moms to embrace our own and each others? varying realities and gifts of motherhood-just as we learn to love our bodies, jiggles, stretch marks, and all. We have to stop judging ourselves and each other based on this ridiculous ideal, and recognize that we are all uniquely talented and can offer diverse skills to our children and friends. Sure, I can't keep my house as clean as my friend, but that?s OK. She enjoys my company anyway. We support each other and are able to ask for help and offer guidance to each other in our weaker areas. Support and being real is the biggest gift we can give to ourselves and our friends in this mommy sisterhood. Ask for help or advice when you need it-don't pretend to have it all together. That is absolutely draining. More than likely, any area you may be struggling in, a friend has probably struggled in that same area and can offer some advice or assistance. Consequently, if we see a fellow mom who seems to have hit a rough patch, offer her help and encouragement. Remove the pressure to live up to an impossible persona. We are all great moms in unique ways and we must recognize and celebrate those differences.
After coming to this realization that I had to practice what I preach, I put away the vacuum and let the children wander and the fur and cheerio particles remain. I have, however, recently invested in a Roomba, which I am convinced is a gift from God to all mothers who struggle, as I do, in the housekeeping arena.
Written by Elisabeth Hardin. Elisabeth Hardin is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in the unique needs of mothers; including those suffering from depression, anxiety, and postpartum depression. Her office is located in downtown Huntersville, NC. Find out more at www.joyinmotherhood.com.
Do you want to contribute to our Blog? Email Kelley at kelleyc@charlottemomies.com TODAY!
May is for Mothers (The mission of Charlotte Mommies) I heard yet another great story today about how a CM went the extra mile to help out another CM. And the comment was made when the story was shared that the story represents exactly what CM is all about. Then I had the thought that maybe we should do a collection of all the great stories that represent the mission of Charlotte Mommies, but I quickly realized that there simply isn?t enough space on paper or even in cyberspace to hold all the goodness that has come from charlottemommies.com.
There are so many reasons why we?re here, as individuals, as mothers, as friends, but I believe the strongest of those reasons is because of the influence held by the collective unit that is charlottemommies.com. Seriously, this site could teach nations how to form collaborative efforts that would change the world, one issue at a time.
The examples that would be seen in our collection of stories would be how to help the sick, the needy, the hurting, and those experiencing loss, and we do all this with a pool of people that represents families large and small, the working, the single, the frugal, the well-traveled, the technical, the creative, many nationalities, a multitude of religions or non-religions, all political views, and ages ranging from young-adulthood to the elderly.
No matter what challenge a CM might be facing, a part of the collective group has BTDT and always lends a hand so that no CM faces anything alone. No little yahoo, groupsite, meetup, or facebook group can claim that. For having a place to go to hang with folks with whom you have things in common, those places are awesome. But to experience the true genius of a site that represents so many attitudes, personalities, experiences, and life lessons, you must embrace the differences and accept that you are an instrumental part of the charlottemommies.com pool. You see, it?s the differences that make it so great.
We?ve all seen the May is for Mothers campaign by now and hopefully everyone has received the email from TMN for the annual appeal. I want to personally issue a challenge. We?ve already established that there are so many great CM stories that it would be impossible to collect them all. If one of these stories is yours or if you have been touched by one of these stories, please make a donation to TMN. I believe every member on the site falls into one of these two categories. If you don?t have cash right now, donate something on B/S/T/F in exchange for a donation to TMN. Somebody might give $50 to TMN in exchange for your old table that you?ve needed to get moved out of the way forever. (That really did happen to me! )
Will you rise to the challenge? Let?s make another great CM story by showing what we collectively can do to support our great site!
Published by kelchristina Written by Angela (AJSmith68) Do you want to contribute to our Blog? Email Kelley at kelleyc@charlottemommies.com today!
Children, Respect, and the Golden Rule of Parenting Oh, I bet you thought this article was going to be about how you get your children to respect you. I apologize? it is actually about asking you, dear mom or dad, if you respect your children? Sounds a little like JFK doesn?t it? ?Ask not what how your child can respect you. Ask how you can respect your child!?
Webster?s dictionary defines respect as: ?to take notice of, to regard with special attention, to regard as worthy of special consideration; hence, to care for; to heed.? Based on this, most parents would likely state ?of course I respect my kids? but ?why is it so important anyway?? I?m glad you asked!!
It is part of the golden rule. ?Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.? So if you want your kids to respect you (which is why is suspect you started reading this article) you have to respect them first! It?s that simple! Or is it?
Parents are very busy, often indispensable, multitasking individuals who do plenty of important things in addition to their most important job of raising children. Parents are also human. And to be human means to err. We can?t always remember each and every vital parenting rule so let?s forgive ourselves of our less sterling moments and take this time to remind ourselves of a few ways in which we can show respect to our punkins, tigers, angels, and buds. In addition to maximizing the ?golden rule?, respecting your kids shows them that you take them seriously as a fellow human being. And let?s be honest. We all want to be taken seriously and respected. Why should kids be any different? Most importantly, when you let your kids know that you take them seriously, they are more likely to see you as an ?approachable? parent because they trust how you will interact with them. This is huge parenting tool. We always want our kids to know that they can come to us with any issue, good or bad.
Okay, so what do you need in order to show your kids you respect them? Here are five ideas to begin with.
1. Pay attention to your body language especially when your child has something particularly important to discuss. Put your blackberry, book, or newspaper down. Turn away from whatever else you are doing so you can face your child. Lean in toward them and look them in them eye. That brings us to our second strategy.
2. Be aware of all of your facial expressions and emotions. Try to control whatever you are feeling inside until your child is finished speaking. Do your best not to show negative emotions with a grimace, frown, or disappointed head nodding. Don?t laugh at your child when they might have been embarrassed. Do express concern and most importantly, love. Though this seems like common sense, you?d be surprised what your facial expressions do without your awareness. Many people can?t believe what they see on their own faces until they see themselves on video.
3. Your tone of voice should be even and loving. This isn?t always possible when we parents get royally perturbed but the more you practice, the better you will get. Try your best to keep your emotions in check. A child?s brain that hears constant yelling will learn that as a way of communication and we know we don?t want our kids to be disrespectful by yelling. You will have to role model it to them. That takes us to number four!
4. Show your children respect by being a superb role model. Remember that your kids watch you every time you interact with the grocery store cashier, restaurant server, telemarketer who calls at dinnertime, a police officer who stops you for a traffic violation, and yes, your mother in law too. If you treat these people disrespectfully, you are telling your child it is okay for them to be disrespectful.
5. Lastly, give your child sincere praise when you see that they have been respectful to you or to someone else. As parents, we are quick to scold and often forget the best motivator of all. Positive feedback goes a very long way with kids.
Try these techniques out in the coming week and please share your experiences with us in our comments section.
Written by Keyuri Joshi Published by Kelley (kelchristina) Do you want to contribute to our Blog? Email me at kelleyc@charlottemommies.com!
Keyuri Joshi RN, MSN, is a Certified Parenting and Emotional Intelligence Coach. A "personal trainer" for parents, Keyuri assists moms or dads to achieve any goals they desire. She also teaches parents to build emotional and social intelligence skills in children. These are research proven "must have" skills which schools do not teach. Keyuri offers all parents a complimentary consultation and can be reached through her website, www.ontheballparent.com
REPLACING TIME OUT WITH TIME IN April is Stress Awareness Month and your kids need your help. Oh yes, kids experience stress and what makes their situation worse than an adult?s, is that they don?t always know how to recognize the stress or manage it. It?s not their fault because their brains haven?t necessarily developed to do this.
A two year old temper tantrum is a form of stress because she can?t necessarily articulate that she?s tired and hungry. A teenager may get silent and gloomy because he doesn?t know how to manage the stress of peer pressure. Your son may slam a door because he?s frustrated and stressed at constantly striking out during baseball, and your daughter may get grouchy because of the stress of verbal bullying about the clothes she wears. Whatever the cause, stress will show up in children?s behaviors if they don?t know how to manage it.
So what?s a parent to do? Three steps come to mind.
First, be a keen observer of your child?s moods and behavior patterns. Don?t count on teachers or coaches to always tell you when ?something?s up? with your kid. Try to pick up on the cues yourself by observing for shifts in their behavior. The older some kids get, the better they mask their feelings thereby minimizing their opportunity for parents to help them in expressing or purging them.
Second, be a patient guiding force. Help your child to articulate what is going on in their head. Ask questions and impart your loving guidance to help them find a solution. Whenever possible invoke your child?s opinion in the problem solving. This helps them to start training the brain for solutions.
Third, be a loving disciplinarian. If your child?s stressful outbursts are inappropriate, by all means let consequences as you need to, but consider this? Many parents give their children a punishment or a ?time out? in which they can think about their behaviors. Often times, kids just stew during this period of time and end up harboring resentment toward the situation as well as the parent who punished them. What if these kids had a ?time IN? instead? A brilliant lady named Linda Lantieri suggests just this in her book Building Emotional Intelligence.
Ms. Lantieri suggests that a small area of your home can be turned in to a special oasis of calm that can actually help kids to manage their stress. They don?t have to be sent there as a punishment for negative behavior, but can go there to calm down before or after negative behavior sets in. What a brilliant idea! What?s even better is that you can ask your child help you to set the area up in a way that they find it inviting. Avoid electronics like TV or handheld games but do consider calming music, stuffed animals (for younger kids), books, puzzles or even a candle (safety first!). It can be made comfortable with soft seating and inviting pillows. Parents may find they want their own ?Time In? time!
Give it a try and share your thoughts in our comments section!
Written by Keyuri Joshi Published by Kelley (kelchristina) Do you want to contribute to our Blog? Email me at kelleyc@charlottemommies.com!
Keyuri Joshi RN, MSN, is a Certified Parenting and Emotional Intelligence Coach. A "personal trainer" for parents, Keyuri assists moms or dads to achieve any goals they desire. She also teaches parents to build emotional and social intelligence skills in children. These are research proven "must have" skills which schools do not teach. Keyuri offers all parents a complimentary consultation and can be reached through her website, www.ontheballparent.com
